I never thought the process of reading about others & thinking about "telling" 25 things that make me ..Well- ME - could be so damn hard... I've found myself reaching back into my past & examining thing & thoughts & emotions that I generally like to keep safely "put away".. I've ran thru things in my head & then analyzed them to bits as to just how much I'm willing to share... So I guess that would have to be my number 1 eh?
1. I have always had a tendency to analyze things pretty much into oblivion...Ask me a simple question like "IS the sky Blue?" & I'll come back with a hundred questions about variables... Like at what time... from what vantage point, on a sunny day or cloudy... bla bla bla.. & all the while wondering- why are you asking me this?? Do you really want to know or are you trying to see if I do or don't know? Is my answer goin to affect how you think about me or are you trying to trick me into something by asking a simple question... Yea it's noisy & confusing in here sometimes..& I'm definitely NOT a linear thinker!
2.I think I learned this as a survival technique with a father who could be a Jeckle & Hyde - the most fun, outgoing person -telling us he loved us one minute & then the next flying into a horrible rage ... You learn to figure out how to keep the peace ask enough questions to find out what is going to keep someone happy.. & keep your self safe..
3.People who meet my mom say she is an amazing hostess , will make you whatever you wish, feed you , give you wonderful things to drink .. ect ..but that they can never really tell whether she "likes" them or not.. - to those that I trust I have said frankly - I, to this day don't know either..she's always been kinda distant..
4. One of my worst fears is that these characteristics of my parents are within me & that I will inflict them on my kids who I love more than life..
5.I have a sister who I am closer to than anyone...We have gone thru things together that no one else will understand.. but we also can drive each other crazy.. Badly-
we once had a fight in a walk-in closet that almost took out walls left us both with not so minor injuries & poor Jamie ( who had come to live with us)& who has never had siblings just shaking his head when he came home & found out it started over clothes! ( there were WAY deeper issues but that's what started it ~lol ) & to this day we joke about "going to the closet" if you have ever watched the Kratt Brothers or a show called Zaboomafoo you'll get it!
6. As a teenager I took what I though were my mothers "pain pills" because I sometimes got bad headaches ... I thought I went to sleep.. But someone apparently woke me & I apparently got up & tried to dye my hair black - with a shoe polish dabber!
I had also apparently told my younger sister & her friend they were good for headaches or whatever- & they who were already into experimenting with stuff ( I didn't know..) took them to school... with almost disastrous results - needless to say they got caught... & Horrible repercussions fomr my Dad.. Word to the wise- "Halcion" ( which is actually a bezodiazapine - sleeping pill can & will cause strange reactions- I don't advise ever taking it!!
7. I being the older sister still feel resposible for my sister .. She is Bi-polar & doing really amazing & well but I always have felt I should have done more thru the years to keep her 'safe' & 'well' - some times it is exhausting..
8. I have always described my sister as younger, thinner & prettier than me -I think there has always been some self image issues where she is concerned..
9. At times we have been told we look a like ..We once even convinced a group of guys that we were twins & were only 4 minutes apart - not 4 years!
10.I enjoyed school - in elementary school I was in a group of a half a dozen kids that kept getting put in an "enrichment program" - sorta set us apart for the "mainstream" kids early on... In junior high & senior high I became a chameleon & prided myself on being able to wander into any group _ but never felt I really belonged in any of them that they didn't really know who I was anyways..
11. Where I went to high school we neede a minimum of 13 courses/ credits to Graduate- I ended up taking 16 - yea weirdo! ~lol
12. I've always enjoyed acting & theater... I once got asked to fill in & play a part even tho the rest of the group had been together for months already- Me being me & "fitting in" where ever I fall- I ended up making some a amazing friends
13.I went to the WRONG lecture hall & class of a Physics course at University for half the term before I had to hand in a paper & found out - I realized WHY I'd been struggling SO hard - it was a second yr course !! I was SOOOO embarrassed I just dropped out of the class completely..
14.My parents told me for yrs I must have horse shoes up my Butt...looking back on some of the things I came thru unscathed.. I have to agree...I was alway pretty naive..I once saw a "boy" at a phone booth crying.. & I went & talked him out of hurting himself with the Knife he had & not going into the Bar & doing anything or saying anything to the Girlfriend he'd just been dumped by... No... I took him home
let him sleep over in my car ( gee silly parents didn';t want a strange man in the house) & then took him to the Bus stop to get back to his home which was in Hope almost 2hrs away... We stayed in contact for yrs after.. But how it might have gone.. I shudder to think..
15. Carrying on on this theme...I seem to have this knack for having people "open up & talk to me" even complete strangers.. & I was told by my ex that I collect "lost people" the way some collect "lost animals" - he thought that was a bad thing.. I should have clued in then we were too different.
16. I believe in ghosts, spirits whatever you call them & I have seen them more than once..
again my ex thought me even mentioning that sorta thing was "stupid & whacked"... More things I should have payed attention to..
17. I also believe in past lives... & NO I don't think I was Cleopatra!... But there are so many thing that I have seen, thought, or done --- that have no other explanation... I have for year been caught reaching down to "pull up my skirts" (as in Long long ones) as I go up stairs...& I don't know I'm doing it.. Jamie teases me - especially 'cause it looks VERY funny when I'm wearing shorts!
18.I think I married my ex because he was the first boy friend I'd had that my parents really liked... Not because he was"right" for me- yea still desperately trying to please them & do something they might be proud of..
19. When I finally left.. First no one could believe it.. ( that whole keep a good outer face thing I'd learned growing up-) & second- through a series of horrible events my parents got mad at ME & took his side completely .. I think that way my Dad didn't lose the "son he never had" - YES they are VERY alike!
20. That period in my life was the darkest ever- I didn't speak to my parents for months.. & that Christmas My ex took My children to My parents house to have dinner & spend time with MY whole extended family... & my sister & I were NOT invited.
I think a part of me died then..& grieved my parents as if they were dead- in a sense they were to me..
21. It was my Grandma -who I admire more than anyone in this world, who breached the distance & I began seeing my parents again.. If for no other reason for the kids. For me though the relationship is changed forever- I look on them as I would any other neighbor. -of course they can never admit any wrong doing or hurt they might have inflicted..& so again we don't talk about it & we keep up the outer face..
22.Jamie & I grew up in the on opposites sides of but none the less in same town & have been friends for yrs here at the hospital... & I always have been teased & amused because I'd always run to hug him when he came to my ward. It took a heartfelt talk where he shared the fact that his mother had just been diagnosed with Lou Gherigs ( basically a death sentance) & me sharing that I wasn't happy in my marriage & had decided to leave for us to talk about "what was really important in life" .. We realized we'd both had "feelings" about each other - but had always been to damn polite to push - DUH! More talks later we realized why we'd always felt "better" when we were together why I never wanted to break away from those hugs- we were the "other Half" of one another,that we'd been looking for & didn't think existed.
23.Being In love with him has been the most wonderful, challenging thing I've ever done- the Gods have extracted a pretty high price to be with my Soul mate - but it's worth it
24.His ex has on more than one occasion done truly horrific things..& even gone so far as to involve & hurt ALL the kids to the point that I wished her dead & now the kids don't even see each other... She is an angry, selfish woman & unfortunately unwell mentally.Thru some of these episodes I lost chunks of my hair & almost my sanity - but in the end thus far Jamie & I are still together, still ridiculously happy & carrying on with life..
25. Back to the beginning.. I once met a boy, he had beautiful dark hair & I remember the most amazing ice blue eye..I remember I had just gotten a swing set for my 5th birthday..& he was visiting a neighbor of mine
I remember mostly because he was the first boy to ever Kiss me ( guess he really liked the swing set! )
& Yes...It came out thru one of those many talk ..all those years ago..It was Jamie :D
OK that was Really too damn long... see why it took me days to write it???
Yea, maybe I shoulda just told you I pick my nose..- woulda been easier!! thk
Monday, May 15, 2006
25 things you say?...
Posted by Pamela at 9:13 PM
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8 comments:
#25 is making me cry here at work. Whew.
Wow, Pamela, you are one amazing, compassionate, beautifully special woman and you carry the weight of the world on your shoulders. I think you take on too much, but you are unique and you are YOU and I KNOW all of us in blogland think the world of you. Thank you for sharing yourself with us… and YES, I can see why that took you so long. I don’t dare ask for 26-50!
Much love,
Rachel
#1 - today - what colour would the sky be in your world?
#2, 3 & 4 - we all have these types of things going on in some sense or other - its just the circumstances that are different don'tcha think?
#5 - I have one of those sisters too. We're not as close as you 2 anymore. We had the same fight, clothes too, but right on the front lawn, broad daylight for all the neighbours to see. The only reason I helped her get her clothes off the front lawn is because I wanted to borrow something that night. Really what I should do is a numbered list of all the fights I remember us having - they're horrid.
#6 - I really don't know what halcion is but it scares me because it makes me think of the Karla Homolka/Paul Bernardo story (you're Canadian - are you familiar with "them"?)
#7 - I will no longer take responsibility for that witch of a sister I have.
#8 - me too
#9 - us too, but not anymore. Back in the day, we lived in a smaller town, not quite small enough where you know everyone but you know almost everyone. So if I was seen out and was performing plastered and someone commented to me about it I'd just tell them it was Dayna and it was totally believable. Then she caught on to the fact that I was passing myself off as her - there was hell to be paid for that.
#13 - I only did this stoned.
#14 - me too. Not a scratch; now the sister Dayna on the other hand is scarred from head to toe - I'm not kidding.
And the Jamie stuff is all way too cool.
I pick my nose too.
WOW on the last one. That is so awesome. I love to hear things like that. The TV show Mad About You had a similar storyline on one of their last episodes. The two main characters once met as kindergarteners at a museum.
OMG! I think I've found my twin! lol. Bobby and I discovered that we were at the same places at the same times when we were teenagers, but never actually met until we were in our 30's! Too weird! We rationalize it by saying that we just weren't meant to meet yet, but it had been the "plan" all along! Man, I feel like I actually KNOW you! You are a very compassionate and wonderful woman Pamela! (Oh...and don't get me started on the ex thing...I'm having my fair share of crazy ex's, and it's not mine! lol)
I got chills reading your last one- really beyond words. So glad you finally did your list, even if it took a while to write. Loved your story about being in the wrong class for half a term!
I'm the "older" sister, too, so I feel that same sense of responsibility and completely understand how exhausting it can be.
All the things you experienced with your parents and exes and sister, really defining aren't they?
I'm really glad to "know" you.
Good job!
And that is so cool about you and Jamie making out at 5 years old!
I've read this list so many times and each time it gives me the chills!! What an interesting path to have to go down to meet your soul mate!! A similar thing happened to me years ago and I thought I had found my mate for life, but he wasn't ready and I had to walk away. He still writes to me and says he wishes he had made the commitment. I keep telling him too little, too late, but every once in a while he pops into my brain unexpectedly.
Sometimes I lose sleep thinking about how to work things out for people in my life. I worry about how they will approach certain things and how I can help them. It really takes a lot of my energy and I'm working on stopping it from happening, but it comes naturally.
Every time I visit my hometown, peole say, HEY JENNY!! And I have to say, "I'm not Jenny...it's Connie" so I can relate to looking like a younger sister. For many, many years, she was younger, skinnier and prettier, but now her outsides have caught up with her insides. She's not very nice.
When I was younger, my teacher told my mom they wanted me to skip a grade, but my mom said no. Now, my brain seems to have degraded along with my increased depression and it's very discouraging when I struggle for words sometimes.
I COMPLETELY understand #15 - I'm a magnet for lost souls.
Sorry to hear about that trauma with your ex. Some of the toughest times in my life were when my mom sided with my friends and made me feel like I was less a part of the family than they were.
I HATE exes. Especially the ones who love drama. I stood in front of my boyfriend one day and said, "Call her and tell her to stop calling you or I will leave and never come back." He did and it felt good!! However, he didn't have a child with her!
Well, that probably took me longer to type than your actual list did! ;-) I'm sorry. See number 25 on my list (I tend to babble).
Thanks for sharing!!
#26 ..... you're a great friend.
:)
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